Saturday, October 22, 2005

blink

life can change in a blink of an eye. i often complain that my social calendar gets booked in a blink of an eye without me doing anything. not that i should ever complain of such "problems". It is nice to know that people want you around. I wouldn't survive otherwise. It is just inevitable that everything you WANT to do happens on the same weekend or week. Although not something to complain about, it is overwhelming sometimes ... whether you just want to be there or whether you feel bad for not showing up. Fortunately for me it is the former, but that makes the decision making a lot harder.

But then things change ...

priorities can shift upon the hearing of certain words: 'i love you', for example changes everything you've known in a relationship. Unfortunately, so does 'cancer', without all the fun romance involved. that word was recently muttered (again) by my mother. my priorities dramatically shifted instantaneously. i suddenly have no interest in my dating life, only my family and close friends. she didn't deserve to go through this again ... and truth be told, i didn't want to watch her go through it either.

how exactly does a woman defeat breast cancer for 9 years, and it suddenly reappears in every bone of her body without any warning? it just doesn't seem right. and it isn't fair. luckily, she didn't have to suffer long, but i think the lightening speed of the entire thing made me go numb. which clearly helps get through all the bullshit, but what happens when you start feeling again?

i wasn't ready for it, but I tried to put up a facade of strength for everyone else. and myself. the mind has a way of believing whatever you tell it. if i can keep telling myself i can get through all of this, the last year of law school, and the legal job search from hell, maybe i really will pull it all off. only time will tell, but some mornings i think i deserve a gold medal for just getting my ass out of the bed and in the shower.

1 comment:

  1. Just know that you have a ton of friends supporting you doll and we are all behind you to help you get through this.

    And, we are all thankful that you shower every day - or at least every other day.

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