how things change

things are never as they seem. even from a close observer's point of view. people surprise me more often than i ever could have imagined. i think it is a good thing, whether or not it makes people feel good or not. a person should always be honest with how they feel instead of adhering to what others think they should feel.

what isn't good: that a close friend feels like they need to hide or be embarrassed of how they feel. your true friends will support whatever decision you make, and only warn you if they think it may cause serious harm or that you are just not thinking rationally at all. if your friends don't support you, who will?

You know who you are, and I am thinking of you!

wanted: cuddle buddy

sometimes i just want to cuddle. the comfort like a warm blanket, but with a body attached. problem is that most men want to do more than just cuddle. what's a girl to do?

sleep with her friends' husbands of course! luckily my friends don't mind one bit. it is almost as perfect as having a gay friend - someone to cuddle who doesn't want to (or at least wont try to) have sex with you. problem is, they are not available very often.

isn't casual sex an option? you justifiably ask. always, but that takes away from the cuddle factor. you don't spoon casual sex - hell, you probably shouldn't let them stay the night. i'm looking more for the emotional comfort than the sex. but that just doesn't happen. you either have a fuck buddy or a boyfriend. although horny on occasion, the thought of a real life full-time sexual relationship pushes me over the edge i am so dearly trying not to get too close to. i want to skip all the bullshit.

*poof* you are in a long-term perfect relationship, and your man understands when you are sad and just want to cuddle. and he'll begrudgingly have sex with you at the most inopportune moment because you are FINALLY horny - don't blink, you'll miss the window.

but reality doesn't work that way. anyone offering free cuddling services with no strings attached? a slight possibility of sex, but it can't MEAN anything. no feelings involved. impossible. you are emotionally dependent on a cuddle partner, so as a result, you can't casually bump uglies with them, too. no matter what each person says or believes, one party will inevitably develop feelings and/or want more out of the situation.

i guess a kitten and a vibrator (mutually exclusive, for all you sickos out there) will have to do for now.

blink

life can change in a blink of an eye. i often complain that my social calendar gets booked in a blink of an eye without me doing anything. not that i should ever complain of such "problems". It is nice to know that people want you around. I wouldn't survive otherwise. It is just inevitable that everything you WANT to do happens on the same weekend or week. Although not something to complain about, it is overwhelming sometimes ... whether you just want to be there or whether you feel bad for not showing up. Fortunately for me it is the former, but that makes the decision making a lot harder.

But then things change ...

priorities can shift upon the hearing of certain words: 'i love you', for example changes everything you've known in a relationship. Unfortunately, so does 'cancer', without all the fun romance involved. that word was recently muttered (again) by my mother. my priorities dramatically shifted instantaneously. i suddenly have no interest in my dating life, only my family and close friends. she didn't deserve to go through this again ... and truth be told, i didn't want to watch her go through it either.

how exactly does a woman defeat breast cancer for 9 years, and it suddenly reappears in every bone of her body without any warning? it just doesn't seem right. and it isn't fair. luckily, she didn't have to suffer long, but i think the lightening speed of the entire thing made me go numb. which clearly helps get through all the bullshit, but what happens when you start feeling again?

i wasn't ready for it, but I tried to put up a facade of strength for everyone else. and myself. the mind has a way of believing whatever you tell it. if i can keep telling myself i can get through all of this, the last year of law school, and the legal job search from hell, maybe i really will pull it all off. only time will tell, but some mornings i think i deserve a gold medal for just getting my ass out of the bed and in the shower.

The P Factor

When was the last time you considered the promiscuity of anyone? High school, maybe college, but after a certain age, that "judgment" seems to disappear as irrelevant. Especially in reference to your friends. Really, at this point, who cares? Does anyone really care whether you smooch on every boy you meet, throw the cat around every week, or wait until marriage? If they do, they are not your true friends. Obviously, we all care about our friends and would be concerned if there were a health, mental, emotional or other issue that needed addressing. But if someone chooses to have sex with a new guy every week purely because she enjoys uncommitted sex, isn't that okay as long as they are careful and use protection? To each their own, I say.

A person's P factor should not be relevant. If you think it is, take a good look at yourself. It is probably a result of your own insecurities. Of course, none of us agree on everything or behave the same way or have the same values, but we also have no business judging anyone else.

Life is too short for that nonsense.

Sadness

Sadness is all around: tsunamis, hurricanes, terrorist attacks, subway bombings, earthquakes. according to my step-mom, so is the end of the world (aka, the coming of Christ). these events are all prophescies predicted in the bible, dontcha know? Has not EVERY generation thought and said that?? Oh, but no, this is ACTUALLY it. Thanks for playing. I try to explain to her that I just do not believe the same as she does, but she cannot see past her faith. It is unfortunate because otherwise, we are basically on the same page.

Funny story: having a relatively calm conversation about relaxing with my step-mom. Mention that I watch 'Will & Grace' on thrusdays for a laugh. They haven't watched tv for over 10 years and haven't a clue. I explain - BIG mistake. Make light of a sinful behavior??? Ugh. I try to explain that it is important to make light of a behavior that many Americans find reprehensible in order to defeat discrimination, but I end up in a conversation about how we all are sinners and need God to lead us to the correct path. I lost it.

My step-mom surely thought I was about to admit I was gay: I am a very strong advocate for gay rights; I am single at 30 and have no desire to have children. Much to her disappointment, I confirmed that I like men and that I thought it would be much more complicated to date women. I guess that livened the mood a bit, and we moved on to a new conversation. And then the phone rang ... damn, so much material just lost on a moment. My dad had left the scene so much earlier -- wonder where I got my dislike of confrontation?

wine drunk

yes, i am wine drunk.

wanted to blog.

went to my sisters shotgun "wedding" this weekend. it did go VERY well. i was surprised. my crazy, dependent, drug-addicted, prego, unemployed alcoholic, bipolar sister is married. Hmm, maybe my standards are not as high as I thought they were. She married Forrest Gump. He is the sweetest man alive, but not a smart man. I fear for their children (the first of which is scheduled to show up in March). I will be a good aunt - i promise.

A good sister? Different story. I want to smack her back into reality so often it may eventually kill her - if she could ever live long enough on her own. She just does not get it (bless her heart; she means well; yadda, yadda, yadda). Puffing on her cig, wondering why all of a sudden i give a crap about her smoking habits. Where exactly have you been for the past 20 or so years?????

Don't ya love your family? Not a god-damned thing you can do about them - they are stuck with you for life.

thanks for playing

partyboy: whatcha' doing this weekend?
me: not sure yet
partyboy: wanna do something?
me: no, but thanks
partyboy: nice answer ... lol!

hopefully never to be heard from again. ahhhh ...

it's almost getting lonely these days now that i have managed to make my suitors tired of turn downs from me. i have plenty to keep me occupied through january or so, though. but that makes this blog rather blah, doesn't it? politics is just too boring to blog about (no offense to all you dc politics bloggers - i just don't have the interest to compete with you!); school is just boring to non-lawyers and even most lawyers; work, well, i know better than to blog about work (we've all heard of the termed "dooced"). so, that leaves me with very little to blog about. not that i think i am boring, but aren't blogs in of themselves a type of ego indicator? i mean who are we that we think we are interesting enough that ANYONE would want to read about OUR lives, thoughts, or opinions on anything?

Human nature being what it is however, people are nosy and want to know what everyone else is doing. Those of us willing to share are purely the providers of the gossip - straight from the horse's mouth so to speak.

SO, i'll take one for the team, and i'll try to go whore myself out a bit more often for you people. am i not a teamplayer?!?!?