Changes

It has come to my attention recently that May is my month of change. In May 2006, I installed new floors in my condo. In May 2007, I installed a new HVAC system. This May, I am selling my condo and buying a new place (well, my fingers are crossed that the latter will happen soon). Maybe I am subconsciously inspired by spring or maybe it is just a very strange coincidence - after all, I didn't really WANT to buy that new HVAC system last year.

But why is it then that the more things change, the more things stay the same? I still work too much even after taking a job I thought result in less hours, I still attract men that I adore as friends but have no interest in pursuing a relationship with, and I still can't seem to attract any men that I have an interest in having a relationship with. There are other things that haven't changed (my boys (kitties), my car, my crazy family, my incredibly supportive friends), but I won't go in to those since this is a blog about dating. Maybe a new house in a new neighborhood will result in a new beginning for me, or at least a place to start a new path or head in a new direction. My tiny little condo has been great for the past five years, but I am looking forward to a bigger place where I can spread my wings (and store all the miscellaneous objects that go along with having so many hobbies that you never have time to excel in any of them). After all, more space screams to be filled with more stuff!

So, here's to change and the beginning of new collections of great stuff! Wish me luck!

Fleeting Thought

During all of this preparation to get my condo in a marketable condition according to my realtor, I have discovered a lot about what I can and can't do (I can't replace a bathroom faucet that has never been touched in over 20 years). Generally, I have been quite surprised at my ability to get it all done - albeit with some generous help from a few friends.

However, there was a point where I almost hit my breaking point from just being tired, stressed, pressured, bruised all over and generally just sick of not being able to relax for 10 minutes. As I carried what seemed like the hundredth load of unknown stuff down to my storage space, with both my arms and legs shaking from fatigue, a little tiny bit of me thought it would be really nice to have a good man around to help me do all of this crap.

As I put away the last bit of stuff and came up to my condo and saw how nice it had all really come together, that tiny fleeting thought was soon dismissed by the much larger and bitchier parts of me that said, "that's such crap!! do you see this place? i can do it all myself and don't need no stinkin' man!!"

Ah, yes, and then I opened a bottle of champagne and enjoyed not having to share any of it.

Epiphany

I was sitting around a table at happy hour with 4 other friends the other day chatting about life, work, how crazy Britney is, and the like when I suddenly looked around me. To my left was a male co-worker of mine and his cute-as-hell boyfriend with an equally cute southern accent. To my right were 2 women friends who are currently involved with 2 other women.

Lightbulb! Although I HEART hanging out with my gay friends, this may (partly) explain my singlehood. Well, that and otherwise hanging out with my married friends. Not that I am going to stop hanging out with these friends, but maybe I need to expand/exploit my single friend base a bit.

Nah, that would just make too much sense, now wouldn't it? And besides, those single folk always seem to be talking about their dating lives (or lack thereof). How annoying is that???? (Blogs about the same fully acceptable, of course.)

What are you thinking?

I'd like to share a segment of an initial email I just received on match. It starts with the traditional questions like, "What kind of movies do you generally like to watch adn [sic] what kind of music do you listen to?" But then launches into a couple of deeper questions:

"When in a relationship how much control do you like to have, how dominant do you consider yourself to be? How much personal space do you prefer to have?"

Seriously? These are the first things you want to ask a woman? How about getting my name first? Or even my favorite color. Maybe I should write back that I am always in complete control, I like submissive men who prefer to be whipped until they are bleeding, and then I leave them for hours tied up so I can enjoy my personal space. Problem is, I think he may get turned on by that answer ...

Because I should be working

Yes, it is Saturday, but as we all know, I am an attorney, which means I should ALWAYS be working. They drill it in our tiny little brains from the moment we walk through those big beautiful firm doors: bill, Bill, BILL!!!! But we all must take a break. My distraction from the daily grind recently has been flirting with an ex over email. Actually, most wouldn't call it "flirting" since it is only very basic "what are you doing?" emails back and forth. But for this guy (who long pre-dates this blog), contact generally is flirting. He lives in Nashville, so it is far enough away for me to feel safe. No risk of anything more, just innocent, friendly emails. When he's in town, I usually meet him for a couple of drinks and then see his show (he's the bassist for a purty cool band). So I can relive the band groupie days of my early twenties (i.e., get in the show for free and feel super cool because I know all the band members) without the stress of having to do that several times a week. That gets really old - fast.

Okay, now, back to work!

Mediocre

Contrary to popular belief, there is no shortage of available men in the area. I find it almost funny when I think about how many men are willing to buy me dinner. But, as is almost always the case, I am not finding any of the current prospects all that appealing. Can't decide if the customer is not really ready to buy or if the goods are just mediocre quality. I think it is the latter. I enjoy the company of men and think I will be willing to jump right back in when the right product is available.

I'm back on match and have been on dates with 2 guys so far. One was reminiscent of the Stage 5 Clinger, but WORSE. I had to break up with him TWICE after only 3 dates. I mean, really?? I'm hot and all that, but have some pride. Now he has emailed me because he wants to return my earrings I left weeks ago. Not wanting to make him think that there was still any chance, I had considered them a casualty of war. But he can't let go. So I agree to meet him for a drink and to watch Monday Night Football - at a bar. He of course offered to meet at my place or his, to pick me up or to give me a massage (no, I'm really not kidding), but I thought a public place with other legitimate distractions would be best. I can appease him, get my earrings, have a couple of free beers and watch football. Seems like a win-win to me.

The other guy just doesn't seem that smart. The conversation is always rather superficial and generic. He is really nice, not even "too nice", but I'm just not feeling it. I went out with him a few times and chatted with him on the phone, trying to figure out the problem. I still don't know what the problem is, but I don't think I should waste any more of his time. Time to say goodbye. Hopefully he will be easier to break away from than the first one!

Then there is a guy from about an hour away that I met online 2 years ago that is trying to finally meet me. He says his second job is as a professional poker player which really turns me off completely. Not to mention he keeps asking me to come up there after I have told him numerous times that he has to come here to meet me first. He is the one asking, so he has to do the driving. He annoys me online, so I can't imagine I would like him in person, but I guess I'll give it a try if he ever makes it down to see me. I'm not holding my breath.

Mr Potato Jerk

As you can tell from my last post, I recently split with my last boy. He was by far the best guy I've dated in my life, but for some reason, neither of us had the love spark. I could have hung out with him forever - we laughed, always had fun doing everything and never fought about anything. Why does that not equal love, I will never understand. Although it doesn't feel like it, hanging on to that would be settling for less than I deserve. The spark really has to be there to keep it going, even if everything else seems to be perfect. I wasn't ready to toss in the towel just yet, but he was 'older and wiser', I guess (but see below). Why hang on any longer?

The manner he went about approaching the subject not so mature and wise:
He had asked me to go with him across country to visit his family several months ago. I hesitantly agree. I am not ready to meet his family, but am excited he wants me to. I decided I had to get past my anxiety and just do it. (Lesson learned: gut instincts right about 99% of the time.)

A day before he flies out (I'm supposed to fly out 3 days later), he comes down to "brief me on Idaho." We hang out like usual for about 3 hours, discussing arrangements, different family members, what we be doing, what I should pack, etc. I walk out of the room to get ready for bed. Come back into the living room, and he says: "We have a problem." Tells me I am the best girlfriend, but it just isn't working and that he's really sorry, but has to go. He walks out the door and flies across the country the next day, leaving me completely blindsided and confused. And embarrassed: I have to go back to work after requesting (i.e., fighting for) the week off; cancel my plans for kitty sitting; explain to all my friends when I didn't know what to say; etc. That is ANYTHING but the mature way to handle a breakup.

I understand that it was difficult for him, but seriously, GROW SOME BALLS! Tell me a month and a half ago when you started having doubts so I would at least have a little warning. Don't act like everything is great and still make me plan for a trip you knew I wasn't going on and that was the source of extreme anxiety and stress for me. That isn't just rude, it's cruel. I thought dating an older man would avoid most of the stupid young guy communication problems and games, but boy, I have never been more wrong. Apparently, older, never-been-married guys have commitment issues and don't know how to bow out gracefully.

So, I'm back to the dating scene again. That will most likely mean there will be much more frequent posts here. So, I'm glad to be back, and please comment away! Send me your stories, and let's have some fun!

Interested or not interested? THAT is really the question.

We all know that everyone wants something that they think they can’t have. And most of us have seen ample evidence that this theory also works in relationships. In fact, there are many experts and books that advocate this angle in dating. The more you act like you aren’t interested or couldn’t care less about someone, the harder and faster they come towards you. The more desperate you are, the less interested anyone is.

This is great for the first few dates so you can “hook” them, but what happens after that? Do you let your guard down, only to find out that the chase was all they wanted? Or do you keep up the act – and if so, for how long? A long-term, healthy relationship is not about games or challenges, but about love and compassion. By playing the game to hook the next person, are we really dooming that relationship to end when the challenge ends? But if we don’t play the slightly-unattainable game, will we ever get a man interested enough to connect emotionally?

I keep debating this in my head and with friends as I reflect on my latest ended relationship. Everyone has an opinion, but no one seems to have an answer. “Be yourself” is my favorite cliché – are we really ever ourselves around people we don’t know that well? Honestly, I don’t feel like that I am not being myself when I am aloof or not completely open. I think most of my friends would agree. It takes time to attain that comfort level and let our guard down. Obviously, the amount of time varies with everyone, but when does being myself become playing the unattainable game? As an admittedly emotionally guarded person, when do I know when its time to finally allow someone below the surface?

After much recent self-reflection, I am thinking I have never had someone really fall in love with me because of this emotional wall I rarely let anyone behind. But as soon as I feel like I’m ready to let someone take a peek, the initial spark has fizzled, and they have already checked-out. Too little, too late. I reach out at this point and get nothing back, resulting, of course, in me being even more gun-shy the next time around.

All my exes refer to me as the “perfect girlfriend” who they really wanted to fall in love with. Probably because I don’t do those annoying things women do that men always complain about. But that is probably the same reason I can’t connect with someone on a deeper level. Yes, I actually expect you to tell me when something is wrong, not expect me to ask. I’m not the type to ask “What’s wrong?” every time my boyfriend asks a little odd. Who wants to be THAT girl who nags all the time and seems insecure in herself and the relationship? But as much as men complain about that simple question, maybe by not asking it I appear disinterested. I think men hate that question because they have to actually answer it and open up emotionally. I can empathize, which is probably why I never ask. But, considering the last two times I actually asked, I unexpectedly got dumped, maybe I should ask a little earlier!

Lesson here – as much as men complain about the way women are, they expect it and don’t know how to behave when it doesn’t happen. Of course, if I follow this new rule, I just put “Be yourself” six feet under!