Mediocre

Contrary to popular belief, there is no shortage of available men in the area. I find it almost funny when I think about how many men are willing to buy me dinner. But, as is almost always the case, I am not finding any of the current prospects all that appealing. Can't decide if the customer is not really ready to buy or if the goods are just mediocre quality. I think it is the latter. I enjoy the company of men and think I will be willing to jump right back in when the right product is available.

I'm back on match and have been on dates with 2 guys so far. One was reminiscent of the Stage 5 Clinger, but WORSE. I had to break up with him TWICE after only 3 dates. I mean, really?? I'm hot and all that, but have some pride. Now he has emailed me because he wants to return my earrings I left weeks ago. Not wanting to make him think that there was still any chance, I had considered them a casualty of war. But he can't let go. So I agree to meet him for a drink and to watch Monday Night Football - at a bar. He of course offered to meet at my place or his, to pick me up or to give me a massage (no, I'm really not kidding), but I thought a public place with other legitimate distractions would be best. I can appease him, get my earrings, have a couple of free beers and watch football. Seems like a win-win to me.

The other guy just doesn't seem that smart. The conversation is always rather superficial and generic. He is really nice, not even "too nice", but I'm just not feeling it. I went out with him a few times and chatted with him on the phone, trying to figure out the problem. I still don't know what the problem is, but I don't think I should waste any more of his time. Time to say goodbye. Hopefully he will be easier to break away from than the first one!

Then there is a guy from about an hour away that I met online 2 years ago that is trying to finally meet me. He says his second job is as a professional poker player which really turns me off completely. Not to mention he keeps asking me to come up there after I have told him numerous times that he has to come here to meet me first. He is the one asking, so he has to do the driving. He annoys me online, so I can't imagine I would like him in person, but I guess I'll give it a try if he ever makes it down to see me. I'm not holding my breath.

Mr Potato Jerk

As you can tell from my last post, I recently split with my last boy. He was by far the best guy I've dated in my life, but for some reason, neither of us had the love spark. I could have hung out with him forever - we laughed, always had fun doing everything and never fought about anything. Why does that not equal love, I will never understand. Although it doesn't feel like it, hanging on to that would be settling for less than I deserve. The spark really has to be there to keep it going, even if everything else seems to be perfect. I wasn't ready to toss in the towel just yet, but he was 'older and wiser', I guess (but see below). Why hang on any longer?

The manner he went about approaching the subject not so mature and wise:
He had asked me to go with him across country to visit his family several months ago. I hesitantly agree. I am not ready to meet his family, but am excited he wants me to. I decided I had to get past my anxiety and just do it. (Lesson learned: gut instincts right about 99% of the time.)

A day before he flies out (I'm supposed to fly out 3 days later), he comes down to "brief me on Idaho." We hang out like usual for about 3 hours, discussing arrangements, different family members, what we be doing, what I should pack, etc. I walk out of the room to get ready for bed. Come back into the living room, and he says: "We have a problem." Tells me I am the best girlfriend, but it just isn't working and that he's really sorry, but has to go. He walks out the door and flies across the country the next day, leaving me completely blindsided and confused. And embarrassed: I have to go back to work after requesting (i.e., fighting for) the week off; cancel my plans for kitty sitting; explain to all my friends when I didn't know what to say; etc. That is ANYTHING but the mature way to handle a breakup.

I understand that it was difficult for him, but seriously, GROW SOME BALLS! Tell me a month and a half ago when you started having doubts so I would at least have a little warning. Don't act like everything is great and still make me plan for a trip you knew I wasn't going on and that was the source of extreme anxiety and stress for me. That isn't just rude, it's cruel. I thought dating an older man would avoid most of the stupid young guy communication problems and games, but boy, I have never been more wrong. Apparently, older, never-been-married guys have commitment issues and don't know how to bow out gracefully.

So, I'm back to the dating scene again. That will most likely mean there will be much more frequent posts here. So, I'm glad to be back, and please comment away! Send me your stories, and let's have some fun!

Interested or not interested? THAT is really the question.

We all know that everyone wants something that they think they can’t have. And most of us have seen ample evidence that this theory also works in relationships. In fact, there are many experts and books that advocate this angle in dating. The more you act like you aren’t interested or couldn’t care less about someone, the harder and faster they come towards you. The more desperate you are, the less interested anyone is.

This is great for the first few dates so you can “hook” them, but what happens after that? Do you let your guard down, only to find out that the chase was all they wanted? Or do you keep up the act – and if so, for how long? A long-term, healthy relationship is not about games or challenges, but about love and compassion. By playing the game to hook the next person, are we really dooming that relationship to end when the challenge ends? But if we don’t play the slightly-unattainable game, will we ever get a man interested enough to connect emotionally?

I keep debating this in my head and with friends as I reflect on my latest ended relationship. Everyone has an opinion, but no one seems to have an answer. “Be yourself” is my favorite cliché – are we really ever ourselves around people we don’t know that well? Honestly, I don’t feel like that I am not being myself when I am aloof or not completely open. I think most of my friends would agree. It takes time to attain that comfort level and let our guard down. Obviously, the amount of time varies with everyone, but when does being myself become playing the unattainable game? As an admittedly emotionally guarded person, when do I know when its time to finally allow someone below the surface?

After much recent self-reflection, I am thinking I have never had someone really fall in love with me because of this emotional wall I rarely let anyone behind. But as soon as I feel like I’m ready to let someone take a peek, the initial spark has fizzled, and they have already checked-out. Too little, too late. I reach out at this point and get nothing back, resulting, of course, in me being even more gun-shy the next time around.

All my exes refer to me as the “perfect girlfriend” who they really wanted to fall in love with. Probably because I don’t do those annoying things women do that men always complain about. But that is probably the same reason I can’t connect with someone on a deeper level. Yes, I actually expect you to tell me when something is wrong, not expect me to ask. I’m not the type to ask “What’s wrong?” every time my boyfriend asks a little odd. Who wants to be THAT girl who nags all the time and seems insecure in herself and the relationship? But as much as men complain about that simple question, maybe by not asking it I appear disinterested. I think men hate that question because they have to actually answer it and open up emotionally. I can empathize, which is probably why I never ask. But, considering the last two times I actually asked, I unexpectedly got dumped, maybe I should ask a little earlier!

Lesson here – as much as men complain about the way women are, they expect it and don’t know how to behave when it doesn’t happen. Of course, if I follow this new rule, I just put “Be yourself” six feet under!

Surprise!

It has been a while since my last blog. Not because I haven’t wanted to blog, but more because I am typically so TIRED of sitting in front of a computer, I really can’t imagine using this as the release it used to be. I’m not sure what changed. Venting to a non-accusing forum of an anonymous blog used to be the ultimate form of release. I could say anything and not feel an ounce of guilt and feel so completely relieved.

My life has changed and it really has little to do with my new dating life, although most would assume differently since I haven’t blogged since I started dating my wonderful beau. It has much more to do with my change of priorities. I have decided that doing NOTHING is completely underrated and is actually a GOOD thing. Most people say they wish to have nothing to do, but that is such a lie. Those people can’t survive on a lack of something to do or a or way to make themselves appear busy. I, on the other had, have learned that having nothing to do is a beautiful affair. There really is an art to doing NOTHING. Good luck chewing on that one. No one really understands it, including me. But I hope I will soon enough!

More later ….

So Where Were We?

The holidays are such a busy time of year. Especially when you are trying to juggle family, friends, shopping, work parties, AND multiple dates. I am so behind on everything. To catch you guys up, we have three guys in the current pool: the Engineer, the Lobbyist, and Idaho Boy.

The Lobbyist has shown his age. He is only 25, but I thought was pretty mature for his age. However, he was asking to see me last week, and I only had one day available. He said ok, but that he had to meet up for a work Happy Hour first. No problem – I wanted to slip in a nap anyway (now my age is showing) and figured I had until at least 8pm. By 10 I hadn’t heard from him, ordered pizza, got in my pjs, wrote out my Christmas cards, and put in a movie. He finally sent me a text message a little after 11. Needless to say I told him he wouldn’t be seeing me that night. I have somewhat avoided him since. Don’t see much more happening there – especially considering the other two options currently available.

The Engineer is the ideal match for me. He is nice-looking, a sharp dresser, has a great personality, loves gadgets, watches Meerkat Manor, and is completely honest. Still no sparks. Then he did something a little odd: he sent a text message at 7am on Saturday morning telling me how much he enjoyed our last two dates and that he would really like to see me again before I leave town for Christmas. The fact that he sent it at 7am on a Saturday is the main concern. Not because he woke me up (which he did), but more because he had obviously been thinking about me first thing that morning. I agreed to hang out with him tonight, but I am hesitant. I like him, but I am not feeling the same way he is. Is he moving too fast for me and my feelings will eventually catch up, or am I just stringing him along knowing that sparks are usually almost immediate? As many of you have heard me say before, my Dad and Stepmom like to joke about the fact that after their first date, my Dad wrote “No sparks” in his journal. They have been happily married for 18 years. When do we know for sure?

And that leaves Idaho Boy. He doesn’t actually live in Idaho, which is good, but he does live in Delaware, which is bad. But, he has come down two weekends in a row to see me. And although his cousin lives in the area, he got a hotel room the second time and didn’t tell her he was going to be in town. So he came down just for our date. He grew up in Salt Lake City and Boise (hence the nickname). He is long distance, a complete DORK, dresses very badly and hasn’t one clue about technology – so clearly, I like him. Now he’s gone for two weeks to visit the fam on the west coast. Will absence really make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight out of mind? I’ve gotten multiple messages from him since he left on Monday, so the former seems more likely at this point.

The X-Factor

Two dates in one week. One definitive statement that we will not date. Two possible second dates. Get lost on the math? The X factor is just that – an ex that I was never really interested in pursuing again, but he pursued me and I thought I would at least entertain it for a bit. But old habits die hard and the Bartender and I are still not compatible. Apparently, he felt my lack of enthusiasm and made me face it tonight. I only slightly hesitated when I answered that we shouldn’t date. Well, we shouldn’t. We aren’t compatible. I enjoy his company, but that is where it ends (see previous posts).

The other two newbies. Lets see … we have the Lobbyist and the Engineer. Wow, doesn’t that sound too exciting?!?!?!?!? Actually, both were quite entertaining and worthy of a second date. And both have mentioned what to do next, so I guess there will be another. Why am not really excited? I’m not sure. They are both attractive, intelligent, nice and seemingly sane. Maybe that is the problem – they are sane, and as we all know, I am not.

And here I am smiling to myself while writing this because an old unobtainable flame IMed me. I argue that it is only because he is unobtainable and that is what drives desire until you find the real thing. Then I think, maybe I really am planning my own demise. I avoid good men and am attracted to the worst and unavailable. But aren’t all women?? Only when we are young and dumb. I am too experience (i.e., old) for that crap. I can always pinpoint the wrong guys, but never the right ones.

One of my newly married friends told me that her now husband told her on her first date:

“You aren’t model hot, but there is something about you.”

If a man who says that can eventually convince the same woman to marry him, I have to believe there is hope in the world.

WTF???

That is my initial reaction to events of this week. Let me explain. Now that I am getting settled into my new daily routines, I am attempting to touch base with people again. About 5 weeks ago, I sent our friend, RW, an email to say hello and suggest that we meet for a drink to catch up. I hadn’t heard from him since before the bar exam in July.

A couple of days ago, Choofly talked to RW and suggested an happy hour now that we are all officially lawyers. It became a slightly bigger event than originally anticipated, but I was looking forward to seeing everyone again. I remembered that I hadn’t heard back from RW, but figured it wasn’t really a big deal – I forget to reply to people often without even realizing it. Thinking, “I must reply to so and so” over and over again in your head suddenly transforms into, “Did I ever reply to so and so?” Then you have a dream that you replied and your mind deletes that “to do” off your mental checklist – you don’t realize you haven’t replied until another triggering event occurs and you search your emails for what seems like hours looking for that email you sent. That email that is not there and was never sent. It has happened to me more often than I can count.

I digress. As I am heading out to meet the crew for happy hour, I receive a reply from RW to my email from 5 weeks ago: “see you at happy hour tonight?” [Insert title of this post here, but spelled out in all caps and bold]. I mean, had he never responded at all, I wouldn't have cared, but to respond 5 weeks later after a happy hour is already planned is just asinine.

I refrain from immediately replying with my sentiments and resolve to berate him publicly at the bar instead. But, wouldn’t you know it – he is there with his new girlfriend. A rather homely looking chick if you ask my opinion (his past girlfriends have been pretty cute, so not sure where he found this one). Being the sensible and mature person I am, I then focus my energies on everyone BUT him. Works just fine until he is leaving and decides to stroll over to say goodbye. He specifically congratulates me from across the group. I immediately threw my drink in his face and walked off with a huge smile on my face.

Okay, not really. That’s what I wanted to do, but instead I politely smiled, thanked him, and otherwise kept my trap shut for once. I had to resist the urge the entire way home to pick up my blackberry and reply to his email with “What the FUCK was that?!?!?!?” By morning, I was much calmer (i.e., sober) and glad I hadn’t replied. In fact, I think no response may make more of a statement – but it is definitely not as satisfying as a good old-fashioned ass-whoopin’! Maybe I’ll just dream that it happened that way …

Nightmares

I have decided that I may be a DC metro man's worst nightmare:

1. I am extremely liberal, yet respect (and even expect) traditional dating values.
2. I hate seafood. Not allergic, just HATE it. The flavor, the smell, the THOUGHT. I can go to a sushi restaurant, but I just don't get the excitement.
3. I am the cat lady - or at least own 2 cats and love them dearly. I still consider myself a dog person, but am not willing to give up my boys for anyone.
4. Value my independence and expect my man to do the same without resentment.

Maybe I am asking too much but I refuse to settle for something less. I know that every relationship takes work and negotiations, but there are some things that should never be compromised. Never lose yourself in the search to find your partner...