Does Jobless Equate Increased Need to Date?

I.am.unemployed. Even worse: I.am.an.unemployed.attorney. Can you think of a more unattractive statement to state on a first date?? I can't. Most men I've met do not really want to date an intelligent, independent, professional woman - much less one that is also unemployed. Or maybe the unemployed factor overcomes the independent issue - suddenly I need support - emotional and/or financial. Is that what a man really wants - to be 'needed'? If so, sign me up. My friends have been telling me to sign up for one of the online dating sites. That the expense would be worth the free dinners my dates would buy, and hell, I have so much more time on my hands now that I'm not working. Two problems with that scenario. I still have issues with "expecting" a man to pay and looking for a job is actually more time consuming than a job. But maybe we could call it networking ... hmmmmmm. There's an idea.

Currently, I don't have the energy for both. I can date or I can go on interviews. I choose the latter for now. I have a mortgage to pay. Unless, of course, there is some really hot, super kind, sugar daddy out there that wants to support me for a while during my job search. Any takers?

The Dreaded Holiday

Although I have not been blogging regularly, I feel as though I would be remiss to not post on Valentine's Day. I mean, this is a blog about dating after all. So what does a single chick like me do on this holiday made for couples? I am planning a girl evening in with a few friends - good wine, good food, and probably a couple chick flicks thrown in as well. And this won't be one of those parties where we just sit around bashing men - the host is married (hubby is out of town, of course). More of just an excuse to have a chill night at home. Since I have been trying to save a little moula recently (or at least not spend so much on food and drinks), this sounds like a perfect evening to me.

I am sure there are plenty of single chicks out there who stressed over the need to have a date for tonight, but I am not one of them. In fact, I know I could have managed to have a date tonight, but I really hate the pressure of the holiday - on me and the guy. I'm not a big Valentine's Day person anyway, so I figure it is best to avoid it all together. So, cheers to just another Saturday night in with the ladies!

Father Knows Best

Conversation about my dating life during my visit with the parents over Christmas:

Me: I thought dating older men was a good idea, but I am beginning to think that I may want to stop dating over-40 men.

Dad: Forty is a lot to keep up with - I would suggest dating only 1 or 2 at a time.

Me: Thanks, Dad. You always have all the answers.

Swirly

Feeling a bit swirly these days. I take the phrase from ms. choofly, but it really does explain what is going on in my life. Ever have those days where there are just so many crazy different thoughts flying through your head that it is difficult to grab hold of even one long enough to make sense of it? I know we all have been there, but have different words to describe it. For me, swirly is just about as perfect as it gets.

My life has become complicated again - although many of you probably think I feel as though my life is always complicated. It really is not, but I tend to blog when it is. I prefer simplicity and no drama. I avoid conflict (although I am desperately trying to stop being passive aggressive) and tend to put on a happy face as much as possible. I honestly believe that attitude has a lot to do with how things may eventually develop. You can't control the inevitable, but you can control how it impacts your life to some extent. Maybe I am naive or too optimistic, but it has worked out for me so far. Bad things happen, but you have to keep moving forward.

And I will again step off of the soapbox. You guys didn't come here for my advice on life, but for my stories on dating in washington, dc. I have to say that it never really changes, although I am looking forward to the administration change. It will be nice to have breath of fresh air enter this town - it has been stale for too long.

I will caveat my next blurb with the statement that I am in no way complaining, only blogging. I spent my entire weekend emailing and texting with boys of my past that seem to never to really disappear, only hibernate. I love hearing from all of them, and for some reason, several of them seem to reappear at the same time. Is it a spring/summer thing? I have no clue, but last week I had emails from 2 VERY random ex-play things and 2 somewhat constants. I can't call them ex-boyfriends, but we have a past one way or another (get your mind out of the gutter), from the innocent to the not so innocent (back into the gutter). I am not a person to contact my exes without reason, so I am not sure what drives this behavior, but I will admit I enjoy it to some degree. On the other hand it just adds to my swirly head and makes my life more complicated while I try to determine if there is something more to it than just the general attention we all crave.

This all presents a bit of a conundrum for me -- I don't know about you, but I when things in my life are a bit crazy, I tend to fall into things I would normally not consider. Not to mention that I am a single woman in her young 30s ... forgive me!

Changes

It has come to my attention recently that May is my month of change. In May 2006, I installed new floors in my condo. In May 2007, I installed a new HVAC system. This May, I am selling my condo and buying a new place (well, my fingers are crossed that the latter will happen soon). Maybe I am subconsciously inspired by spring or maybe it is just a very strange coincidence - after all, I didn't really WANT to buy that new HVAC system last year.

But why is it then that the more things change, the more things stay the same? I still work too much even after taking a job I thought result in less hours, I still attract men that I adore as friends but have no interest in pursuing a relationship with, and I still can't seem to attract any men that I have an interest in having a relationship with. There are other things that haven't changed (my boys (kitties), my car, my crazy family, my incredibly supportive friends), but I won't go in to those since this is a blog about dating. Maybe a new house in a new neighborhood will result in a new beginning for me, or at least a place to start a new path or head in a new direction. My tiny little condo has been great for the past five years, but I am looking forward to a bigger place where I can spread my wings (and store all the miscellaneous objects that go along with having so many hobbies that you never have time to excel in any of them). After all, more space screams to be filled with more stuff!

So, here's to change and the beginning of new collections of great stuff! Wish me luck!

Fleeting Thought

During all of this preparation to get my condo in a marketable condition according to my realtor, I have discovered a lot about what I can and can't do (I can't replace a bathroom faucet that has never been touched in over 20 years). Generally, I have been quite surprised at my ability to get it all done - albeit with some generous help from a few friends.

However, there was a point where I almost hit my breaking point from just being tired, stressed, pressured, bruised all over and generally just sick of not being able to relax for 10 minutes. As I carried what seemed like the hundredth load of unknown stuff down to my storage space, with both my arms and legs shaking from fatigue, a little tiny bit of me thought it would be really nice to have a good man around to help me do all of this crap.

As I put away the last bit of stuff and came up to my condo and saw how nice it had all really come together, that tiny fleeting thought was soon dismissed by the much larger and bitchier parts of me that said, "that's such crap!! do you see this place? i can do it all myself and don't need no stinkin' man!!"

Ah, yes, and then I opened a bottle of champagne and enjoyed not having to share any of it.

Epiphany

I was sitting around a table at happy hour with 4 other friends the other day chatting about life, work, how crazy Britney is, and the like when I suddenly looked around me. To my left was a male co-worker of mine and his cute-as-hell boyfriend with an equally cute southern accent. To my right were 2 women friends who are currently involved with 2 other women.

Lightbulb! Although I HEART hanging out with my gay friends, this may (partly) explain my singlehood. Well, that and otherwise hanging out with my married friends. Not that I am going to stop hanging out with these friends, but maybe I need to expand/exploit my single friend base a bit.

Nah, that would just make too much sense, now wouldn't it? And besides, those single folk always seem to be talking about their dating lives (or lack thereof). How annoying is that???? (Blogs about the same fully acceptable, of course.)

What are you thinking?

I'd like to share a segment of an initial email I just received on match. It starts with the traditional questions like, "What kind of movies do you generally like to watch adn [sic] what kind of music do you listen to?" But then launches into a couple of deeper questions:

"When in a relationship how much control do you like to have, how dominant do you consider yourself to be? How much personal space do you prefer to have?"

Seriously? These are the first things you want to ask a woman? How about getting my name first? Or even my favorite color. Maybe I should write back that I am always in complete control, I like submissive men who prefer to be whipped until they are bleeding, and then I leave them for hours tied up so I can enjoy my personal space. Problem is, I think he may get turned on by that answer ...

Because I should be working

Yes, it is Saturday, but as we all know, I am an attorney, which means I should ALWAYS be working. They drill it in our tiny little brains from the moment we walk through those big beautiful firm doors: bill, Bill, BILL!!!! But we all must take a break. My distraction from the daily grind recently has been flirting with an ex over email. Actually, most wouldn't call it "flirting" since it is only very basic "what are you doing?" emails back and forth. But for this guy (who long pre-dates this blog), contact generally is flirting. He lives in Nashville, so it is far enough away for me to feel safe. No risk of anything more, just innocent, friendly emails. When he's in town, I usually meet him for a couple of drinks and then see his show (he's the bassist for a purty cool band). So I can relive the band groupie days of my early twenties (i.e., get in the show for free and feel super cool because I know all the band members) without the stress of having to do that several times a week. That gets really old - fast.

Okay, now, back to work!

Mediocre

Contrary to popular belief, there is no shortage of available men in the area. I find it almost funny when I think about how many men are willing to buy me dinner. But, as is almost always the case, I am not finding any of the current prospects all that appealing. Can't decide if the customer is not really ready to buy or if the goods are just mediocre quality. I think it is the latter. I enjoy the company of men and think I will be willing to jump right back in when the right product is available.

I'm back on match and have been on dates with 2 guys so far. One was reminiscent of the Stage 5 Clinger, but WORSE. I had to break up with him TWICE after only 3 dates. I mean, really?? I'm hot and all that, but have some pride. Now he has emailed me because he wants to return my earrings I left weeks ago. Not wanting to make him think that there was still any chance, I had considered them a casualty of war. But he can't let go. So I agree to meet him for a drink and to watch Monday Night Football - at a bar. He of course offered to meet at my place or his, to pick me up or to give me a massage (no, I'm really not kidding), but I thought a public place with other legitimate distractions would be best. I can appease him, get my earrings, have a couple of free beers and watch football. Seems like a win-win to me.

The other guy just doesn't seem that smart. The conversation is always rather superficial and generic. He is really nice, not even "too nice", but I'm just not feeling it. I went out with him a few times and chatted with him on the phone, trying to figure out the problem. I still don't know what the problem is, but I don't think I should waste any more of his time. Time to say goodbye. Hopefully he will be easier to break away from than the first one!

Then there is a guy from about an hour away that I met online 2 years ago that is trying to finally meet me. He says his second job is as a professional poker player which really turns me off completely. Not to mention he keeps asking me to come up there after I have told him numerous times that he has to come here to meet me first. He is the one asking, so he has to do the driving. He annoys me online, so I can't imagine I would like him in person, but I guess I'll give it a try if he ever makes it down to see me. I'm not holding my breath.

Mr Potato Jerk

As you can tell from my last post, I recently split with my last boy. He was by far the best guy I've dated in my life, but for some reason, neither of us had the love spark. I could have hung out with him forever - we laughed, always had fun doing everything and never fought about anything. Why does that not equal love, I will never understand. Although it doesn't feel like it, hanging on to that would be settling for less than I deserve. The spark really has to be there to keep it going, even if everything else seems to be perfect. I wasn't ready to toss in the towel just yet, but he was 'older and wiser', I guess (but see below). Why hang on any longer?

The manner he went about approaching the subject not so mature and wise:
He had asked me to go with him across country to visit his family several months ago. I hesitantly agree. I am not ready to meet his family, but am excited he wants me to. I decided I had to get past my anxiety and just do it. (Lesson learned: gut instincts right about 99% of the time.)

A day before he flies out (I'm supposed to fly out 3 days later), he comes down to "brief me on Idaho." We hang out like usual for about 3 hours, discussing arrangements, different family members, what we be doing, what I should pack, etc. I walk out of the room to get ready for bed. Come back into the living room, and he says: "We have a problem." Tells me I am the best girlfriend, but it just isn't working and that he's really sorry, but has to go. He walks out the door and flies across the country the next day, leaving me completely blindsided and confused. And embarrassed: I have to go back to work after requesting (i.e., fighting for) the week off; cancel my plans for kitty sitting; explain to all my friends when I didn't know what to say; etc. That is ANYTHING but the mature way to handle a breakup.

I understand that it was difficult for him, but seriously, GROW SOME BALLS! Tell me a month and a half ago when you started having doubts so I would at least have a little warning. Don't act like everything is great and still make me plan for a trip you knew I wasn't going on and that was the source of extreme anxiety and stress for me. That isn't just rude, it's cruel. I thought dating an older man would avoid most of the stupid young guy communication problems and games, but boy, I have never been more wrong. Apparently, older, never-been-married guys have commitment issues and don't know how to bow out gracefully.

So, I'm back to the dating scene again. That will most likely mean there will be much more frequent posts here. So, I'm glad to be back, and please comment away! Send me your stories, and let's have some fun!

Interested or not interested? THAT is really the question.

We all know that everyone wants something that they think they can’t have. And most of us have seen ample evidence that this theory also works in relationships. In fact, there are many experts and books that advocate this angle in dating. The more you act like you aren’t interested or couldn’t care less about someone, the harder and faster they come towards you. The more desperate you are, the less interested anyone is.

This is great for the first few dates so you can “hook” them, but what happens after that? Do you let your guard down, only to find out that the chase was all they wanted? Or do you keep up the act – and if so, for how long? A long-term, healthy relationship is not about games or challenges, but about love and compassion. By playing the game to hook the next person, are we really dooming that relationship to end when the challenge ends? But if we don’t play the slightly-unattainable game, will we ever get a man interested enough to connect emotionally?

I keep debating this in my head and with friends as I reflect on my latest ended relationship. Everyone has an opinion, but no one seems to have an answer. “Be yourself” is my favorite cliché – are we really ever ourselves around people we don’t know that well? Honestly, I don’t feel like that I am not being myself when I am aloof or not completely open. I think most of my friends would agree. It takes time to attain that comfort level and let our guard down. Obviously, the amount of time varies with everyone, but when does being myself become playing the unattainable game? As an admittedly emotionally guarded person, when do I know when its time to finally allow someone below the surface?

After much recent self-reflection, I am thinking I have never had someone really fall in love with me because of this emotional wall I rarely let anyone behind. But as soon as I feel like I’m ready to let someone take a peek, the initial spark has fizzled, and they have already checked-out. Too little, too late. I reach out at this point and get nothing back, resulting, of course, in me being even more gun-shy the next time around.

All my exes refer to me as the “perfect girlfriend” who they really wanted to fall in love with. Probably because I don’t do those annoying things women do that men always complain about. But that is probably the same reason I can’t connect with someone on a deeper level. Yes, I actually expect you to tell me when something is wrong, not expect me to ask. I’m not the type to ask “What’s wrong?” every time my boyfriend asks a little odd. Who wants to be THAT girl who nags all the time and seems insecure in herself and the relationship? But as much as men complain about that simple question, maybe by not asking it I appear disinterested. I think men hate that question because they have to actually answer it and open up emotionally. I can empathize, which is probably why I never ask. But, considering the last two times I actually asked, I unexpectedly got dumped, maybe I should ask a little earlier!

Lesson here – as much as men complain about the way women are, they expect it and don’t know how to behave when it doesn’t happen. Of course, if I follow this new rule, I just put “Be yourself” six feet under!

Surprise!

It has been a while since my last blog. Not because I haven’t wanted to blog, but more because I am typically so TIRED of sitting in front of a computer, I really can’t imagine using this as the release it used to be. I’m not sure what changed. Venting to a non-accusing forum of an anonymous blog used to be the ultimate form of release. I could say anything and not feel an ounce of guilt and feel so completely relieved.

My life has changed and it really has little to do with my new dating life, although most would assume differently since I haven’t blogged since I started dating my wonderful beau. It has much more to do with my change of priorities. I have decided that doing NOTHING is completely underrated and is actually a GOOD thing. Most people say they wish to have nothing to do, but that is such a lie. Those people can’t survive on a lack of something to do or a or way to make themselves appear busy. I, on the other had, have learned that having nothing to do is a beautiful affair. There really is an art to doing NOTHING. Good luck chewing on that one. No one really understands it, including me. But I hope I will soon enough!

More later ….

So Where Were We?

The holidays are such a busy time of year. Especially when you are trying to juggle family, friends, shopping, work parties, AND multiple dates. I am so behind on everything. To catch you guys up, we have three guys in the current pool: the Engineer, the Lobbyist, and Idaho Boy.

The Lobbyist has shown his age. He is only 25, but I thought was pretty mature for his age. However, he was asking to see me last week, and I only had one day available. He said ok, but that he had to meet up for a work Happy Hour first. No problem – I wanted to slip in a nap anyway (now my age is showing) and figured I had until at least 8pm. By 10 I hadn’t heard from him, ordered pizza, got in my pjs, wrote out my Christmas cards, and put in a movie. He finally sent me a text message a little after 11. Needless to say I told him he wouldn’t be seeing me that night. I have somewhat avoided him since. Don’t see much more happening there – especially considering the other two options currently available.

The Engineer is the ideal match for me. He is nice-looking, a sharp dresser, has a great personality, loves gadgets, watches Meerkat Manor, and is completely honest. Still no sparks. Then he did something a little odd: he sent a text message at 7am on Saturday morning telling me how much he enjoyed our last two dates and that he would really like to see me again before I leave town for Christmas. The fact that he sent it at 7am on a Saturday is the main concern. Not because he woke me up (which he did), but more because he had obviously been thinking about me first thing that morning. I agreed to hang out with him tonight, but I am hesitant. I like him, but I am not feeling the same way he is. Is he moving too fast for me and my feelings will eventually catch up, or am I just stringing him along knowing that sparks are usually almost immediate? As many of you have heard me say before, my Dad and Stepmom like to joke about the fact that after their first date, my Dad wrote “No sparks” in his journal. They have been happily married for 18 years. When do we know for sure?

And that leaves Idaho Boy. He doesn’t actually live in Idaho, which is good, but he does live in Delaware, which is bad. But, he has come down two weekends in a row to see me. And although his cousin lives in the area, he got a hotel room the second time and didn’t tell her he was going to be in town. So he came down just for our date. He grew up in Salt Lake City and Boise (hence the nickname). He is long distance, a complete DORK, dresses very badly and hasn’t one clue about technology – so clearly, I like him. Now he’s gone for two weeks to visit the fam on the west coast. Will absence really make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight out of mind? I’ve gotten multiple messages from him since he left on Monday, so the former seems more likely at this point.

The X-Factor

Two dates in one week. One definitive statement that we will not date. Two possible second dates. Get lost on the math? The X factor is just that – an ex that I was never really interested in pursuing again, but he pursued me and I thought I would at least entertain it for a bit. But old habits die hard and the Bartender and I are still not compatible. Apparently, he felt my lack of enthusiasm and made me face it tonight. I only slightly hesitated when I answered that we shouldn’t date. Well, we shouldn’t. We aren’t compatible. I enjoy his company, but that is where it ends (see previous posts).

The other two newbies. Lets see … we have the Lobbyist and the Engineer. Wow, doesn’t that sound too exciting?!?!?!?!? Actually, both were quite entertaining and worthy of a second date. And both have mentioned what to do next, so I guess there will be another. Why am not really excited? I’m not sure. They are both attractive, intelligent, nice and seemingly sane. Maybe that is the problem – they are sane, and as we all know, I am not.

And here I am smiling to myself while writing this because an old unobtainable flame IMed me. I argue that it is only because he is unobtainable and that is what drives desire until you find the real thing. Then I think, maybe I really am planning my own demise. I avoid good men and am attracted to the worst and unavailable. But aren’t all women?? Only when we are young and dumb. I am too experience (i.e., old) for that crap. I can always pinpoint the wrong guys, but never the right ones.

One of my newly married friends told me that her now husband told her on her first date:

“You aren’t model hot, but there is something about you.”

If a man who says that can eventually convince the same woman to marry him, I have to believe there is hope in the world.

WTF???

That is my initial reaction to events of this week. Let me explain. Now that I am getting settled into my new daily routines, I am attempting to touch base with people again. About 5 weeks ago, I sent our friend, RW, an email to say hello and suggest that we meet for a drink to catch up. I hadn’t heard from him since before the bar exam in July.

A couple of days ago, Choofly talked to RW and suggested an happy hour now that we are all officially lawyers. It became a slightly bigger event than originally anticipated, but I was looking forward to seeing everyone again. I remembered that I hadn’t heard back from RW, but figured it wasn’t really a big deal – I forget to reply to people often without even realizing it. Thinking, “I must reply to so and so” over and over again in your head suddenly transforms into, “Did I ever reply to so and so?” Then you have a dream that you replied and your mind deletes that “to do” off your mental checklist – you don’t realize you haven’t replied until another triggering event occurs and you search your emails for what seems like hours looking for that email you sent. That email that is not there and was never sent. It has happened to me more often than I can count.

I digress. As I am heading out to meet the crew for happy hour, I receive a reply from RW to my email from 5 weeks ago: “see you at happy hour tonight?” [Insert title of this post here, but spelled out in all caps and bold]. I mean, had he never responded at all, I wouldn't have cared, but to respond 5 weeks later after a happy hour is already planned is just asinine.

I refrain from immediately replying with my sentiments and resolve to berate him publicly at the bar instead. But, wouldn’t you know it – he is there with his new girlfriend. A rather homely looking chick if you ask my opinion (his past girlfriends have been pretty cute, so not sure where he found this one). Being the sensible and mature person I am, I then focus my energies on everyone BUT him. Works just fine until he is leaving and decides to stroll over to say goodbye. He specifically congratulates me from across the group. I immediately threw my drink in his face and walked off with a huge smile on my face.

Okay, not really. That’s what I wanted to do, but instead I politely smiled, thanked him, and otherwise kept my trap shut for once. I had to resist the urge the entire way home to pick up my blackberry and reply to his email with “What the FUCK was that?!?!?!?” By morning, I was much calmer (i.e., sober) and glad I hadn’t replied. In fact, I think no response may make more of a statement – but it is definitely not as satisfying as a good old-fashioned ass-whoopin’! Maybe I’ll just dream that it happened that way …

Nightmares

I have decided that I may be a DC metro man's worst nightmare:

1. I am extremely liberal, yet respect (and even expect) traditional dating values.
2. I hate seafood. Not allergic, just HATE it. The flavor, the smell, the THOUGHT. I can go to a sushi restaurant, but I just don't get the excitement.
3. I am the cat lady - or at least own 2 cats and love them dearly. I still consider myself a dog person, but am not willing to give up my boys for anyone.
4. Value my independence and expect my man to do the same without resentment.

Maybe I am asking too much but I refuse to settle for something less. I know that every relationship takes work and negotiations, but there are some things that should never be compromised. Never lose yourself in the search to find your partner...

Some things never change

The bartender asked me out to dinner at Ceiba last weekend. Great place and the staff were phenomenal. But this isn’t a DC food blog …

He was already tipsy when I met him at the bar, which immediately put me slightly on edge. That was the one thing I could never handle about him – his inability to handle his alcohol. You would think a bartender would be the last person to get obnoxiously drunk, but not so in this case. Once we sat down to dinner, I encouraged him to eat as much as possible, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. By the end of dinner, he was well beyond tipsy and talking rather loudly. He managed to mention marriage (to me specifically) at least 10 times throughout the dinner and admitted that he made up some bogus story of finding my number transferring numbers to a new cell phone to have an excuse to call me again.

Against my better judgment, we went back over to the bar for one last drink. The GM of the restaurant was having dinner and was unfortunate enough to be exposed to my date. He managed to embarrass me, which is a big feat, I must admit – both of which was said loud enough for the entire bar to hear:

1. He told me I wanted to kiss the GM, which was pretty funny once the GM announced that he wouldn't be interested because I wasn’t playing on the right team.
2. He told the GM that we once dated (that’s a stretch) and that I broke up with him because he had a small penis (that’s not as much of a stretch).

Little does he know that I “broke up with him” because I can’t stand him after he’s been drinking. I thought I subtly implied such during dinner – making fun of him for the numerous booty calls years ago and mentioning that I never wanted anything to do with him we he came by wasted. But alas, men are not good at subtle hints, and I should have realized this.

As we were leaving, he said something rude to me. I honestly can’t remember what it was, but it wasn’t too serious because I was smiling to myself as I walked away to find my own cab home. It was just a good excuse to get out of the situation …

The 2nd Bar Exam

Today I found out that I passed the bar exam! No, not the test to see who can drink more than the rest of the bar ... I passed that one YEARS ago. I passed the lawyer bar exam - I am officially an attorney!!!! So hard to believe.

Okay, now back to dating ... assuming, of course, any man in this town would be willing to date an attorney.

The Other Shoe Always Drops

Things with Ron didn’t work out so well. Come to find out he is DEATHLY allergic to cats. The fact that he knew this but chose to come to my place anyway at first sounds admirable. But looking back, I am leaning the other direction – he knew he was allergic & that I had cats, but never said anything – a definite indication that he had no long term interest in dating me. Which is fine – like I said, he was a fun date! I contemplating keeping in touch with him for a close to home booty call, however ….

We are also talking to a couple other men, but nothing has solidified just yet. Still getting messages from Party Boy and the Bartender – somewhat surprisingly after Ms V and Ermmagirl sent the Bartender a picture of Ms V’s ass!! Soon after that, I received an invite to Paris … Ms V, you don’t give your ass enough credit!