Difficulties

When did dating get so HARD? It is usually so easy, even if exhausting at times. CJG and I had planned to meet for a drink on a certain day, but then he vanished. I suggested a place to meet and I never heard back from him. It has been over 2 weeks. Who does that? I think he just earned his third strike .... I mean, if he was just hoping to get a yes from me, he obviously doesn't know me at all. It isn't all that difficult to get me to agree to meet for a drink ... I am rather easy on that request.

The Redhead is NOT a daddy afterall - blood tests confirmed. Not that I really care, but I was sooo curious. And I also had an instinct that it wasn't his, but he was SO determined that it was. He even bought stuff at Babies R Us. Are you serious? And he told me he was disappointed that she isn't his. Why would you want to bring a child into the world when the baby momma wants nothing to do with you? Seems like the right thing happened, if you ask me. Either way, he has become someone I want nothing to do with ever again.

Rep One is being somewhat distant. He left early last night from a gathering and we really haven't talked much at all outside of the random emails here and there. Not sure what I want, except attention, but something seems a little odd. It wasn't really awkward, just different. I guess we are all a little weird right now ... Graduation means serious life changes. Who can predict the future?

boy crazy

i recently realized that i am some what boy crazy. i find even the most ordinary guy cute. not because i am desperate (or at least that is what i tell myself), but more because I am happy and seeing the best in everyone. I have always enjoyed men, but this is kinda fun. Hasn't been this way in a long time, and I like it. A lot of men are cute, and I can actually flirt unabashedly for the first time in years without embarrassment. Ahhhh ... so nice.

No real prospects to speak of, but I am having a good time and putting myself out there. We shall see where that leads ....

i heart vince vaughn

the school crush had kinda disappeared from my radar for a while. we all hung out as usual, but really had kinda forgotten about it. liked the flirtations, but it was all in good fun.

then a large group of us went out for final drinks. we were done with 4 years of grueling law school classes, and it was time to celebrate at our usual watering hole. it wasn't really odd that we were left as the last two, somewhat typical. we walk out, and he offers a ride home, and of course i accept. metro v bmw? seriously people, who do you take me for?

anyway, nothing unusual until we arrive at my place. i gather my stuff and lean over for a thank you smooch on the cheek, and he moves in for a more substantial smooch ... and i don't resist (duh). I had a hard time not laughing at the situation considering the 3 year crush, but i finally decided i had to be a good girl and remove myself from the car. he did offer to take me home with him, but i resisted the temptation ... more because i was completely not prepared to be naked (i.e., haven't shaved in at least a week ... anywhere!).

hmmm ... .so where to go now. he thinks i'm not interested, and i wouldn't mind kicking that door open to see what happens. then again, i prefer not to go into the awkwardness stage and would prefer to forget it completely. so, i have decided to let things take their course. we'll see what happens ... or should i be more assertive? for such a confident woman, the doubts are always there in ever situation. i guess that is part of the fun.

Doh!

It just dawned on me that the Redhead and I never laugh when we are together. We are compatible on a very basic level, but otherwise, we talk about very generic topics. And never laugh or really have fun with each other. I'm not sure why it took me this long to pinpoint the real problem, but leave it to studying for finals to make one think of something completely unrelated to the law. The problem is that there is nothing techinically WRONG, but there is nothing particularly GREAT either.

Pssht. I'm so over that one ....

lightning crashes

back in college i had what i call a "steady hook-up". we never dated, but never had sex, either. just an unspoken understanding that if neither of us had our eye on someone else at a party, we would go home together. even after college we had a few run-ins. not as regularly, most likely because of his on-again, off-again girlfriend. i never asked their status, nor did he often provide the information. i let myself believe that if was seeking me out, then they were off-again.

that is, until the engagement. at that point, i had to face up to the fact that it was real. other than the fact that she once smacked miss v for no good reason, i really have nothing against her. she seems like a nice girl, but i really don't know her well.

i always made an effort to stay clear of the Stand-By while in serious relationships with others. i knew better of myself than to think that i could socialize with him with a few drinks and and not refuse his advances ... or at least be very tempted not to do so. i didn't want to put myself in that position, so i avoided it. he wasn't so careful and i have to admit that we had our moments while he was engaged.

to this day Stand-By and i are good friends. we talk regularly via IM and keep up with each others' lives to a basic extent. he has been married for several years and we haven't seen each other or "had relations" since the marriage. he tells me he completely abides by his vows. as his counselor, i make sure he realizes it is now a LEGAL obligation on top of a moral one. dontcha hate lawyers?

the other day he drops a bomb on me that i had been expecting, but thought i would know much earlier: he has a newborn little boy. i think it is great, but am shocked that i know nothing of it until a couple of months after the fact ... it isn't like you dont know that is on its way. in fact, i have asked MANY times if children were in the future and he always blew me off. (to his credit, once i confronted him, he swore he thought he told me and sent me a picture and told me all about him.)

then, a few days later, we get on the topic of my morals and ethics (as a lawyer).
Stand-By: don't worry... i won't sell you out when you run for DA
Me: ha! what do you have on me?
Stand-By: you shouldn't have to ask
Me: i can't think of anything illegal or repugnant that you know about ... hmmmm ... so, i drank to excess and made out with you - as far as i know that is all legal
Stand-By: "drank to excess". w ell played. you are good, b/c that was MY argument

but a few hours later (after he's had a few drinks):
Stand-By: for the record... as bad as i was... i should feel worse than i do. guess that makes me a bad guy. but i just wanted to let you know that i'm the bad guy... anyway... something i should have said to you a while back... not that it matters... but just in case
Me: no worries. what happened in the past is over
Stand-By: good... i won't lie and say that certain folks are good at making me feel different

For once, the Stand-By has taken me COMPLETELY off-guard and I have NO idea where he is coming from. I guess he has guilt afterall ... or someone is making him feel guilty. maybe it is fatherhood.

conservative republicans LOVE me

why aren't the ultra cool, liberal types in to me nearly as much as the super yuppie conservative, working-for-the-man-and-liking-it types??? although i do enjoy the challenge on the first initial dates, in the long run we both know it just won't work. unless of course they want to pay off my law school loans while i providing public interest legal services to the less-fortunate around town for the rest of my life. told ya it would never work.

booty calls and daddy should never be in the same sentence

alright, alright, alright! a new post for all you crazy kids. as you can imagine, it is tough to follow that last post, true? but for your entertainment, i will try!

i hadn't heard from the redhead much this week and thought maybe he was catching my very subtle hints of disinterest, but i was apparently wrong. he was all about the booty calls this weekend - tried both friday and saturday, but luckily i wiggled my way out of both. half of me wants to invite him on over and straight up dump him, while the other half of me doesn't have the energy to put forth the effort. Then again, it is probably much less energy than it will take to avoid his constant booty calls. (on the by and by, HE has labeled his own calls as booty calls!)

you just made me throw up a little

Ever find out something about someone that completely changes how you see that person? Something so major that you can never go back to the way it was before you knew? You may want to sit down for this one. I wish someone had warned me.

After a movie and dinner, the redhead drove me back to his place and then dropped a bomb on me. Back in July, he slept with some random. A few months later, she tells him she is pregnant, and he is one of two possible daddies. She is now engaged to the other possible daddy and just wants the redhead to do a blood test when the child is born to determine if he owes her child support. Classy bitch this one is. The fact that he may have a child or that he slept with someone while we were most definitely on a break is not the issue. There are few things that really do bother me about this scenario:

1. While I was standing by my mother'’s hospital bed watching her suffer and eventually lose her battle with breast cancer, he is out bumping uglies with this tramp. No wonder he also forgot my birthday.
2. Not only is he fucking her, but clearly, he must have not been using a condom or there wouldn'’t be a real question as to whether or not he was a possible candidate. Had he found out he had a child from an act of indiscretion many years prior, I probably would not really care that much. We all make mistakes. But at 40-something, you'’d think he would know better. It isn'’t like he drinks and can blame it on a stupid drunken incident. Is this chick so hot that he just couldn'’t control his primate male instinct to procreate immediately?!??!?
3. He finds out in October, but waits until March to tell me with ZERO warning after I am trapped at his place without a car. I am like the 15th or so other person in his life he told. I can't think of 15 people in my life I would tell until the test came back positive -– which makes me think he is proud of his behavior. I can understand being proud of your child once you know it'’s yours, but to be proud of the fact that you may or may not be a dad of a child with a woman you randomly hooked up with 8 months ago? I'’m at a loss.

I am not angry, which signals to me that I really don't have any substantive feelings for the redhead. Not that I have any technical right to be angry since we weren'’t exclusive or even together at the time, but the situation is just so wrong on so many levels that I would feel justified in being angry. But I'm not. My stomach dropped when he told me, and I was speechless, but that was more of shock than emotion. I may feel differently in a few days, but two days worth of processing the information has me nauseated at the thought of him (or maybe that is just a result of too many drinks last night). He will surely think my reasoning for breaking things off will be because I don'’t want children, but honestly, that has NOTHING to do with my decision. If I thought there was a future for us, a child would not be a reason to walk away, even for me. The decision will be the same whether or not he turns out to be a daddy.