Crush

It has been a while since I have had a “crush” on anyone. You know, that feeling you get about someone that just makes you giggle, and you don’t know why? I currently have 2 definite crushes. They seem to be popping up all over the place, and I can't control it.

Maybe “they” are right – when you aren’t looking is when they show up.

Whatever it is, I feel like a teenager. Can’t stop thinking about one or the other. One I have never even spoken to. New guy at work – sooooo cute and always smiles at me when we pass in the hallway. And, based on his resume, he’s pretty darn smart, too. Love that in a guy.

Guy #2 has a much longer history. Known him for quite a while, had a crush on him when I first met him, got to know him, got over it, and now it seems to be back. I hate to even admit it because I don’t WANT to like him, but I guess I can’t really deny it. I do my best not to give him any more attention than I would anyone else, but I have recently found that he is always around – conveniently wanting to do the same things I want to do ... and pay for it all, too. Grrrrr.

And apparently I am being “set-up” tonight. I guess more of a big happy hour and both of us will be there. I trust ermmagirl's judgment, so it should be interesting. I guess this means I’m back from my dating hiatus!

breathe

I often have to remind myself to just take a few deep breaths and things will improve. I will get through all of the shit that life keeps throwing at me. To be cliche - that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. And I am improving and each week seems to get better.

Why is it then that I haven't been able to stop crying all day? Luckily, I already had the day off, but I have wasted it listening to one song and crying instead of studying? Maybe if I had a voice or any creative writing talent, I'd be able to release all of this. I guess that is why I blog.

I never intended on this blog to be a "diary" of sorts, but it is definitely morphing into it. And it does help. For any readers that read for the funny dating stories, I must apologize for changing the mood recently. Once I pick myself and everyone else back up, I will hope to make up for it and "throw the cat around" a bit to quote miss v's hubby. probably not to the extent he means, but get myself out there on the dating scene again.

I hope writing now will help me to focus for the rest of the day on the things I need to do. Wish me luck!

Here are the lyrics to the song I can't seem to stop playing:

"Breathe (2am)" - Anna Nalick

2AM and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season.
Yeah, we walk through the doors.
So accusing their eyes like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites! You're all here for the very same reason.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe

In May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just a day, he said, down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year.
And here in town you can tell he's been down for a while
but, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him
Maybe I'll just sing about it
. . . .

There's a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out and these mistakes you've made,
you'll just make them again if you only try turning around

2AM and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl
so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe . . .

SDB

stinky drunk boys. aren't they fun? always. and they even remind you to change your sheets regularly. what is wrong with that?

oh, yeah, the fact that i am "old" . . .

i cannot be responsible for the sdb's that visit after i have too much wine. he calls, and it seems like a good idea at the time. we don't have or do anything sexual ... just argue, play su do ku, and drink. i like it. i just hope that i'm not being the asshole this time.

ms intimidation?

sorry it has been a while since my last post. the personal life that has zero to do with my dating life (other than the fact that it prevents it) has been taking over recently. in fact, i broke down completely yesterday morning on my way to work, but luckily miss v talked some sense into me and i called in sick to work to finish up my paper. with a major first draft of my paper out of the way, i am feeling a lot better. 4 weeks and 1 day to go until the end of the semester. now i only have to learn two subjects in less than 4 weeks. pshht ... no problem!

i read an article on the post last night that made me ponder if maybe miranda was on the right track when she acted like a flight attendant instead of an attorney in order to get a date. granted, deception is not my strong point, so this is all hypothetically speaking. the article was about a local gay guy who has recently written a book for women, speaking as the gay friend all women need. the women who wrote the article met the author for drinks and he immediately said that although she should keep her standards high, she should not cross men who don't meet them immediately off the list. Miss Overly Critical, Miss Defensive and Miss Independent. Apparently, this behavior is either a complete turn-off to any man that she would have an interest in or she stops the relationship before it starts because they do not meet her high standards immediately.

Me? critical? nah....

Seriously, these guys DESERVE the critique i provide. if only they knew about this blog and could learn from it. maybe i am helping other men who see some of their own behaviors in my stories? okay, i admit it, this is purely for entertainment purposes!

so, i am thinking of changing my name from ms independent. any ideas?

how things change

things are never as they seem. even from a close observer's point of view. people surprise me more often than i ever could have imagined. i think it is a good thing, whether or not it makes people feel good or not. a person should always be honest with how they feel instead of adhering to what others think they should feel.

what isn't good: that a close friend feels like they need to hide or be embarrassed of how they feel. your true friends will support whatever decision you make, and only warn you if they think it may cause serious harm or that you are just not thinking rationally at all. if your friends don't support you, who will?

You know who you are, and I am thinking of you!

wanted: cuddle buddy

sometimes i just want to cuddle. the comfort like a warm blanket, but with a body attached. problem is that most men want to do more than just cuddle. what's a girl to do?

sleep with her friends' husbands of course! luckily my friends don't mind one bit. it is almost as perfect as having a gay friend - someone to cuddle who doesn't want to (or at least wont try to) have sex with you. problem is, they are not available very often.

isn't casual sex an option? you justifiably ask. always, but that takes away from the cuddle factor. you don't spoon casual sex - hell, you probably shouldn't let them stay the night. i'm looking more for the emotional comfort than the sex. but that just doesn't happen. you either have a fuck buddy or a boyfriend. although horny on occasion, the thought of a real life full-time sexual relationship pushes me over the edge i am so dearly trying not to get too close to. i want to skip all the bullshit.

*poof* you are in a long-term perfect relationship, and your man understands when you are sad and just want to cuddle. and he'll begrudgingly have sex with you at the most inopportune moment because you are FINALLY horny - don't blink, you'll miss the window.

but reality doesn't work that way. anyone offering free cuddling services with no strings attached? a slight possibility of sex, but it can't MEAN anything. no feelings involved. impossible. you are emotionally dependent on a cuddle partner, so as a result, you can't casually bump uglies with them, too. no matter what each person says or believes, one party will inevitably develop feelings and/or want more out of the situation.

i guess a kitten and a vibrator (mutually exclusive, for all you sickos out there) will have to do for now.

blink

life can change in a blink of an eye. i often complain that my social calendar gets booked in a blink of an eye without me doing anything. not that i should ever complain of such "problems". It is nice to know that people want you around. I wouldn't survive otherwise. It is just inevitable that everything you WANT to do happens on the same weekend or week. Although not something to complain about, it is overwhelming sometimes ... whether you just want to be there or whether you feel bad for not showing up. Fortunately for me it is the former, but that makes the decision making a lot harder.

But then things change ...

priorities can shift upon the hearing of certain words: 'i love you', for example changes everything you've known in a relationship. Unfortunately, so does 'cancer', without all the fun romance involved. that word was recently muttered (again) by my mother. my priorities dramatically shifted instantaneously. i suddenly have no interest in my dating life, only my family and close friends. she didn't deserve to go through this again ... and truth be told, i didn't want to watch her go through it either.

how exactly does a woman defeat breast cancer for 9 years, and it suddenly reappears in every bone of her body without any warning? it just doesn't seem right. and it isn't fair. luckily, she didn't have to suffer long, but i think the lightening speed of the entire thing made me go numb. which clearly helps get through all the bullshit, but what happens when you start feeling again?

i wasn't ready for it, but I tried to put up a facade of strength for everyone else. and myself. the mind has a way of believing whatever you tell it. if i can keep telling myself i can get through all of this, the last year of law school, and the legal job search from hell, maybe i really will pull it all off. only time will tell, but some mornings i think i deserve a gold medal for just getting my ass out of the bed and in the shower.

The P Factor

When was the last time you considered the promiscuity of anyone? High school, maybe college, but after a certain age, that "judgment" seems to disappear as irrelevant. Especially in reference to your friends. Really, at this point, who cares? Does anyone really care whether you smooch on every boy you meet, throw the cat around every week, or wait until marriage? If they do, they are not your true friends. Obviously, we all care about our friends and would be concerned if there were a health, mental, emotional or other issue that needed addressing. But if someone chooses to have sex with a new guy every week purely because she enjoys uncommitted sex, isn't that okay as long as they are careful and use protection? To each their own, I say.

A person's P factor should not be relevant. If you think it is, take a good look at yourself. It is probably a result of your own insecurities. Of course, none of us agree on everything or behave the same way or have the same values, but we also have no business judging anyone else.

Life is too short for that nonsense.